What happens when the one who taught you about love is also the one who taught you that true love doesn’t last forever ?
When you get betrayed by someone so close to you, i guess…you’re never quite the same person anymore. You don’t look at love the same way anymore.
I remember reading somewhere that this society doesn’t allow for people to be weak. You get hurt, feel sad and cry for a while, and for goodness sake just pick yourself up and move on. I’m sure we have all experienced that. Even i myself, have looked upon people who doesn’t pick themselves up in distaste.
I realised that i have never wrote about any details or my innermost feelings ever since the break up. Am i too afraid to face them/make them public ? It’s as if the more brief i make things sound, the less painful it is. Or rather, i refuse to appear weak to people who reads my blog. So everytime there is an urge to blog, i suppress it because it will make me look pathetic and pitiful – exactly the way i don’t want people to see me.
Even though i don’t talk about it, it doesn’t mean i no longer feel. It’s just that i feel more ready to deal with it, more ready to share now. Especially for friends who don’t already know the whole story.
This was a big blow to me. It hurt like hell. Imagine sharing your life most intimately with a person for 4 years, having shared so much about each other on so many different levels it’s as if two individuals were merging into one. and suddenly having the person vanish from your life completely, leaving you to pick up the pieces. It’s as if all the things that happened during the 4 years never took place before. And you start wondering who you’ve been spending the last 4 years with, and what were u guys doing. In a mild sense, it’s scary. But the worst of all is when you truely go and think about it, you get no answers.
Imagine missing him every single day he’s away. Imagine waiting for close to half a year, all the while anticipating of times you’ll get to spend together/ things you’ll get to do together when he’s back. Imagine staying up just so you can get to webcam. Imagine the frustation when message sending failed. Imagine the happiness upon getting his reply. Imagine your immense delight upon receiving his every postcard, knowing that with every one you received, the closer it is to have him back by your side.
And after all that, just to have everything shatter into nothingness on the long awaited day. Having it dawn on you that what you have been anticipating all along will never materialise. Can you even begin to understand the feeling of wanting something so badly and yet being denied it when you’re so very, very close to it ? No words suffice to express the pain. Not unless you go through it yourself.
I dealt with it in the most painless way i could. Stop feeling. Put everything somewhere far away in the back of my mind. and try not to think about it. I succeeded, at least for a while. And then when i think about it now, it’s not as bad because the pain has faded.
Maybe it’s stupid to think that if it doesn’t affect him as much, it shouldn’t to me too. But the fact that he was the one who gave up on us, topples this logic all together. Whatever it is, i felt this compelling need to be strong. to prove to myself as well as to others that i can do without him.
I cried buckets over it. I cried till i got a headache from it. i lost appetite. i lost sleep. I thought i would never be happy again. For a period of time, i was an emotionally unstable wreck. Whenever i think of him, i felt like something was squeezing me inside so hard i couldn’t breathe. If not for HK, i guess i would have seriously went into depression.
But, I’ve stopped crying a long time ago. I have been dreaming about him, about us though. Looks like even though i don’t think about it consciously, my subconscious is not allowing me to get away from it.
You know, it’s like whatever reasons you give yourself and others give you, it’s never enough to justify the hurt. The pain of the most unexpected betrayal. It’s like this horrible realisation of the truth in the words “You can’t trust someone completely, not even the person whose closest to you.” Because when you trust, you open up your heart. And when you do, you become emotionally vulnerable.
Our relationship failed the test of trust. As i’ve always said, the fault lies with both parties. I trusted him, but i didn’t trust him enough. He on the other hand, has been holding on to an unrealistic dream all along. We had vast differences in values and principles in life. I always thought that if i respected his opinions/decision, and he mine, we would have no problems. But it turns out that there are somethings we can never, and will never agree on. Maybe that’s what broke us.
I guess it just happens that the one who commits the act of betrayal gets the bulk of the blame. But in any case, nobody can judge the relationship, except the two of us because we were the ones in the relationship, not them. Nobody knows exactly what happened between us throughout the 4 years we’ve been together. Insights, opinions, yes, but no one knows it better than ourselves.
This is not to say that i don’t believe in true love anymore. I do and it exists, just that finding the right person is a lot harder than i thought.
There, i said my piece. feels better. I don’t care if you think this is another stupid emo post. I don’t care if you’re tired of reading about this issue. i really don’t. This is a very personal issue.
This is about me being honest and facing up to my feelings.
